Facebook One-Liners (Repost)

Writing! I've been putting together a ton of one-liners for Facebook, and here's my claim to eventual Mitch Hedberg levels of fame.

--

My Facebook ads used to be all for dating sites; now they're all "New game for Men 21+" game ads. Even Facebook's given up on me.

--

Maturity isn't fighting, fucking, or paying bills. Maturity is choosing not to watch one more episode or playing one more turn, and I will never be an adult.

--

The Final Fantasy dev team must be the worst in bed. "Sure, the first twelve hours are gonna SUCK, but after that it gets pretty okay!"

--

In English, our curse words are spiritual, sexual, and scatological. With a combination like that, no wonder we're so weird.

--

Forget the power of house and happy hardcore, for so much has been forgotten, never to be raved again. Forget the promise of ambient and synthpop, for in the grim darkness of the far future there is only THE DROP.

--

Okay, my company officially needs to get me Photoshop. My preview gifs to sell upcoming taunts are outclassed by Tumblr porn.

--

I want to play a 4X strategy game with Axe doing voiceover.

--

I wrote something today. Doesn't matter how small, doesn't matter how good, doesn't matter if it only took an hour -- these are the four magic words that make the other eight hours you spent on Civ 5 totally okay.

--

Irony: Spending twenty minutes choosing the perfect relaxing video to fall asleep to.

--

K. A. Applegate wrote Harlequin novels under a pen name. I kinda want to read them, just to watch my childhood squirm.

--

"It is well that League is so terrible, else we should grow too fond of it."

--

There's nothing dumber than spending an hour vigorously french kissing the food stuck in your teeth before realizing, "Hey, I'm at home; I own floss."

--

"Danger is my middle name" implies weird parents. "Danger is my maiden name" implies the most badass wedding reception ever.

--

Pants on or off, eating and porn don't mix.

--

Pants are like goldfish. We all had them in elementary school; they're generally unnoticed, unless they're disproportionately-sized; and if you forget about them long enough, eventually a kid's going to go into hysterics.